Someone who actually has a conscience

published Dec 04, 2010, last modified Jun 26, 2013

And she truly managed to understand that what she was doing was wrong.

From Reddit:

I went through this several years ago, being the girl who had inappropriate chats with another guy while in a long-term, serious relationship.

First of all, yes I know it is wrong. Now moving on...

It's fun. It is just chatting so it does not feel wrong in the moment. I was 800 miles away from the guy so it felt more innocent because I had absolutely no intention of ever actually seeing him; or at the very least not any time soon. We were not going out to lunch together or making future plans together.

Girls can talk to guys about anything and not be interested in them. I have no idea why we do this, but I can have a detailed conversation about sex with a dude and have no desire to sleep with him. I realize guys don't work this way so it definitely can be seen as leading him on, but I assure you she did not see it this way.

Talking about sex (i.e. her favorite positions;fantasies) to someone you are not sleeping with may be easier because you are less afraid of them judging you - all of her conversations with him were because she was at a safe distance and she was not afraid of what he would think of her. Basically, since she was not in a relationship with this guy, she was not afraid of rejection. Whereas she may be afraid you would freak out and end the relationship because of some crazy sexual fantasy she has; but she could tell him anything without that fear.

I also said things similar to what our kids would like because I KNEW IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN! That is silly stuff girls think about but don't always want to mention in a relationship because it might freak the guy out. But I really didn't care joking about it to some guy miles away that I had no plans to ever be with. It was just fun and silly. Again, I wasn't afraid of rejection so I could say anything.

Just like you, my boyfriend caught on to things, saved and printed out all of the chat logs and CONFRONTED ME DIRECTLY about it. He confronted me the next day, instead of letting it bother him for weeks. He confronted me by: showing me the logs, asking for an honest explanation, then breaking up with me.

Fortunately we were able to have this confrontation in person so there were not any distractions. He broke up with me on that day because he was severely hurt by the conversations I had with this other guy and nothing I could say could explain it. I repeated over and over that I loved him, and I absolutely did. Stupid fun conversations with the other guy did not affect my relationship. I DID NOT WANT TO BE WITH THE OTHER GUY. It was stupid and wrong, but just liked being able to say whatever I wanted to someone who only saw the good side of me.

Anyway, my boyfriend and I talked on the phone the rest of the week and talked things out. We both talked about our relationship, if we felt anything was missing, he explained exactly why he felt hurt and how it was inappropriate and we just had good conversations about how we can make our relationship stronger. After just a week or two of us talking and him understanding and having time to process everything. He accepted my apology and we got back together.

I completely understand that what I did was wrong and was sickened that I had hurt my boyfriend so much by doing what I thought was innocent and just fun. The conversations I had were absolutely not worth making my boyfriend upset and I felt absolutely terrible for what I did to him for just being selfish. I then learned what was appropriate and not appropriate to discuss while in a relationship.

I also grew more comfortable telling my boyfriend things without being afraid of his rejection. It was a terrible terrible time but we were able to get through it and I definitely learned my lesson and also no longer feel the need to converse with other guys in that way.