Of contrast and devotion

I just came out of the Limmat imaging center with some rough news.

The contrast MRI of my hip hurt quite a bit.  The leg pain I'd been experiencing doing squats traces back directly to a defect — a lump — in the top surface of my right acetabulum.  it's only why a particular movement hurts, but not others.  if this situation remains the same, I will be looking at a labrum injury in a few years.

Walking with a cane is not good.  Time to see an orthopedist.

The CT they did of my head was pain-free.  I originally did it to ascertain whether the cosmetic surgery I wanted was possible — the surgery team needed to figure out if the bone behind my nose was symmetrical. Turns out, it is.  Phew.

That said, the results of the CT suck.  I have fluid in my sinuses, large polyps in my nasal passages, enlarged adenoids, and an extremely deviated septum.  I guess this goes a long way towards explaining why I snore at night, and why I have pretty much forever woken up feeling so tired and befuddled — oxygen is a precious commodity.

Sometimes, "not being a morning person" has proper medical causes.  Time to find an ENT guy, and then have him meet my plastic surgeon for a joint surgery planning session.

Finally, I still have another contrast MRI pending — an MRI of my brain.  To figure out the cause of my severe hormonal imbalance, my pituitary gland must be checked.  Since that tiny nutsack lies in the center of my brain, an MRI is the only way to go about checking it.  I'm now crossing my fingers and wishing (in the immortal words of Arnie) that "it's not a tumah".

Like I said, rough news.  Not quite "I'm going to die" — more like "I've coped with a low quality of life for a long time, and now I understand why."

However, this prospectus, and the physical pain, pale in comparison to the emotional pain I felt during the whole set of procedures.

See, today I painfully walked (limped) myself, pushing my bike for two kilometers, nary an hour after that painful contrast was shot into my hip.

I felt abandoned.

I walked into my marriage knowing that the most crucial part of our mutual oath was devotion to one another.  From my side, I would be forever fulfilling my duty of protection and care for her.  Thus, for the duration of my marriage, I was there for every single rough moment that my partner had (which I was aware of).  I was there when she couldn't cope with food and pain. I was there when she was bleeding because of a drug reaction.  I held her hand after her colonoscopy.  I programmend her cellphone to assist her right after eye surgery, and when she needed me to give her pain meds, I was right there on the spot.  I can't even count the times I was there for her, and I won't bore you with more examples anyway.

I did it all with the implicit understanding that, no matter how invulnerable I believed myself to be, some day I would have someone there to hold my hand and support me when I was sick — not in the quid pro quo sense, but rather with the tacit assumption that, when I needed her, I could lean on her.  I mean, she proposed to me, she stood at the altar, she promised to care, honor, love and respect me in sickness and in health.

And then, when I was truly depressed and (unbeknownst to me) sick for months, what did actually happen?  Well, long story short, that was exactly when she checked out... in the most hurtful and deceitful way.

Today's walk home showed me the value of making absolutely sure, before committing for a lifetime, that your partner understands what devotion is.

When there's devotion, your partner understands there's always light at the end of the tunnel, and this mutual understanding ensures that, once the darkness has passed, you and your partner will love again and enjoy the good times.  Even if they don't love you right now, as you navigate your hard times, they get that they will love you again, with their support and care.

Without devotion — on both sides — difficult times will simply break the two of you apart; your partner will simply stray as soon as it is expedient, which is usually when you're weakened and in need of your partner the most.  It won't matter if you are devoted yourself — if your partner isn't, you'll find yourself abandoned.

Don't find yourself abandoned.  Think before you say yes.  And always remember:

Only devotion can ensure a relationship lasts through the rough times.