If a girl goes with his girl friends out at night, she's in the market

published Oct 17, 2010, last modified Jul 20, 2020

Confessions of a one-night-stand.

I will start by repeating the title: If a girl is with his girl friends out at night, she's in the market, whatever she tells her boyfriend notwithstanding.  Unfortunately, this "I want to go out alone with my friends" is a commonly-misrepresented belief in our contemporary world, and one that is definitely a pathological belief.

War stories

Prompted by an OkCupid question, a war story of mine comes to mind.  No apologies in advance if you find this misogynistic -- it's the plain and clear truth and I got witnesses who can vouch for it.

Many years ago, I bedded a one-night-stand.  Not the only one, and it's also not like I've had thirty, but this is one of the ones that my best friend can vouch for, because he was a witness in flagrante delicto.  After the deed had been done and the night was slowly progressed into the dawn, she expressed her interest to see me again... but not the next day, claiming that "my boyfriend is coming to see me today".

I politely shut up and proceeded to think this to myself "Oh, God, what a skank -- poor dude, he has no idea he will be passionately kissing my privates tonight.  Tee hee."

Here's the (unrelated) follow-up: The day after, I called her to ask her again -- no, not for that, but rather to have her get tested (just for my own peace of mind).  As usual in girls who engage in self-serving "logic", she had the audacity to claim that I wanted her to get tested because I was ill, and that I thought she was a slut.  "No shit, slut, you have a boyfriend, you are screwing around with total strangers, and you have the brass testicles to tell me that I'm insulting you with my thoughts?" -- that's what I wanted to say.  Of course, I didn't antagonize her because at the time I really wanted her to get tested, so after I showed her my own tests, I had her tested and then went to get those results myself.

Peace of mind for me: priceless.

Now here's another war story -- not mine this time.  A year ago, I met with a decent clique of women and the husband of one of them.  Nice people, all around.  The girls there were ecstatic about the fact that they were going to have a nice trip together -- without their husbands and boyfriends.  The aforementioned husband was there, just nice and easy, didn't say a word (but he was clearly not ecstatic about the trip).  Just a few weeks ago, word came to me that what was to be expected, happened on that trip: all of the married women had cheated on their husbands, badly.

Color me unsurprised.

Here's a third story, from a friend (who will remain anonymous):

I lived that kind of experience

Woman: I want to go out with my female friends.. only


later on the night... I went to were she was.

She was drunk.. with a guy all over her

I took her back to my place...

and fucked her brains out.

Of course... she cheated on me on other occasions much later .

The cold and hard truth about people who want to "go out alone": unconsciously or not, they want to "get some"

Now here's the cold, hard truth, and it's intended for women, for decent women to find reassurance, and for skanky women to weep.  And it's also intended for men, of both varieties -- it's just written from the standpoint of a guy, so use your brain to convert genders as appropriate.

You need no statistics to confirm what I said up there -- you don't even need the anecdotes I laid out above.  All you need is a little understanding of human action.  People will, absent other considerations, do whatever is it that they think will give them the most pleasure.  And people ultimately do what is consistent with what they want, regardless of what they say they want.  So, if you do something but keep your husband or boyfriend away from it, your actions make it clear that you prefer not to be with him.

Intuitively, you know this is true.  Doesn't take much effort to figure it out.  You just have to have a little empathy to do the exercise of (1) putting yourself in your "in love" shoes, (2) then putting yourself in the shoes of a woman who is crazy about you and asking yourself if you would go out alone, (3) then putting yourself in the shoes of a slutty woman or a woman who doesn't care about you and asking yourself what would you do.

If, on top of that, your "alone time" gives opportunities to people of the opposite sex to approach you, it's even clearer that you don't want your relationship as much as you'd want to have a fling.  Your choices and actions puts the relationship in serious trouble and that's what you wanted to, regardless of what you say otherwise.  It's really a huge red flag.  If you are like that, you should not be surprised to find out that guys dump you, resent you, or refuse to be in relationships with you.  They may not ask you about your activities, and they may not be conscious of their own feelings, but they are already deeply aware of your truth.

Excuses... pay no attention to them 

In my experience: the famed excuses "I need some time alone with the girls / I need my own space" is a standard part of the Anti-Slut-Defense, a quite common denial that slutty girls tell themselves to have plausible deniability, to still get a chance to see and interact with other guys and, if they find someone "good enough to cheat", then blame the circumstances on "accident" or deny it happened altogether.  Newsflash, skank: It's not an accident if you consciously plan on exposing yourself out there, and it's even less of an accident if you use alcohol to nullify your self-control.

This is very simple: You can't have your cake and eat it too.  People who love and who respect themselves do not, ever, never do anything that might put their relationship into question.  They do not see other people of their preferred gender alone, they do not keep secrets from their significant other, they do not participate in events but purposefully exclude their significant others from them.  The fact of the matter is that there are other people out there whom you will find attractive, and if someone hits on you and you hit it off, you may end up betraying your partner regardless of how pure or honest you think you are.  In fact, the more you believe you are incapable of cheating, the less you actually know about human nature and the more susceptible you are to slip and to then use whore logic to justify yourself.  So, my point is: you may or may not act on any wayward desires you might feel if you put yourself at risk, but it's simply much better and more respectful not to risk your relationship for the sake of one night to begin with.

And I also have another point to make: If that "girls night out" time is spent nurturing your relationship, discovering and doing new things both you and your partner enjoy, I guarantee, that's a relationship that will succeed against all odds.

The bottom line

Now here's advice for guys: disregard what people say and look at what people do.

Once I read the aphorism "there aren't whores and nonwhores, there's only men who know how to bring the whore out of a woman".  That's just another poisonous belief.  It may be true to some extent that some men know how to seduce a woman better than others, but the bottom line is this: Some people (men / women) act like whores, some just don't, and there is a whole spectrum in between.  A spectrum of people with enough self-knowledge who will do what is right, and people who don't know themselves and therefore will do what is wrong.  And -- specifically in reference to that poisonous aphorism -- the people who do what is wrong will find no shortage of "clever sentences" to deny their own responsibility and justify that the other person made them commit a wrong.

Having had experience with being "the other guy" of an unsuspecting boyfriend, and having had (too) the dubious privilege of at least one girlfriend who would constantly seek the attention and opportunities for other guys to hit on her (and then justify that with whore logic of "It's just a friendship / nothing bad was going to happen / I thought you trusted me") I can confidently tell you this: that type of skanky attitude does not go away in a girl, because it stems from deep personal psychological inadequacy issues in her, issues that need to be addressed by herself and a therapist for many years, issues a healthy lover cannot fix. It is just not worth your while to be with a person who is incapable of being honest with herself, and it is even less worth your while to be with a person who -- consciously or not -- acts in a manner that is observably risky for your relationship.  Dump her and find someone who isn't looking around while she keeps you as a stand-in.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go out.  I am going to hunt for a good woman.  It's gonna be hard -- this place seems to be infested with... well, you know.